


Waiting for Peace

by abrasivepersonalitytendersoul



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-03 00:37:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6589618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abrasivepersonalitytendersoul/pseuds/abrasivepersonalitytendersoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Back Story to this piece: I struggle with depression and anxiety, and in the last few months I feel as though things have worsened for me.  I’m learning to identify when I’m having an anxiety attack or just a depressive episode.  They are both so similar that it drives me nuts.  </p><p>Anyway, so I am at work right now and I just had one of those anxiety attack/depressive episodes.  I sat on my ass for 45 minutes just reveling in the quiet and waiting for it to pass.  I’m still working through it as I type, but I wanted to tribute a post I found recently about not just assuming someone wants to be left alone when they feel like this.  I don’t remember who I reblogged it from, otherwise I would credit them.  And since anything Raúl Esparza related is running through my mind at any given time, I came up with this.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Waiting for Peace

**Author's Note:**

> Back Story to this piece: I struggle with depression and anxiety, and in the last few months I feel as though things have worsened for me. I’m learning to identify when I’m having an anxiety attack or just a depressive episode. They are both so similar that it drives me nuts. 
> 
> Anyway, so I am at work right now and I just had one of those anxiety attack/depressive episodes. I sat on my ass for 45 minutes just reveling in the quiet and waiting for it to pass. I’m still working through it as I type, but I wanted to tribute a post I found recently about not just assuming someone wants to be left alone when they feel like this. I don’t remember who I reblogged it from, otherwise I would credit them. And since anything Raúl Esparza related is running through my mind at any given time, I came up with this.

Most days are fairly manageable.  More recently though, my anxiety attacks have become more frequent.  I have the “quiet” type of anxiety.  I experience all the physiological symptoms of an anxiety attack: the shortness of breath, the sweating, the trembling.  I don’t rock back and forth, I don’t cry, I just exist in a fragile body for a short while.  Then things pass.  But I am left to deal with the aftermath.  The irritable, frustrated, slightly angry aftermath.

 

My boyfriend is good at helping me through an attack.  He listens.  He is quiet when he needs to be quiet.  He speaks when he needs to speak.  He gives me space if I need it.  Or he will wrap me in his arms until I feel as close to normal as I can feel.  He spends his days being a rock for so many strangers and then he comes home and is my rock.  He never complains.  He knows I am capable of being his rock, but some days that just doesn’t happen.  I wish I could be his rock more often.  He needs-no-deserves one.  

 

He is a calming presence in my life.  Just tonight, I sank into an episode.  I’ve never been able to tell if I feel extra depressed and then drop to anxiety or vice versa.  I was sitting on the couch of our apartment, simply existing when I heard him come in.  I didn’t have the energy to turn and look at him.  I didn’t have to.  I knew that he knew by just one look.  He reads people for a living.

 

He dropped his briefcase in his office and quickly changed into his comfier clothes.  He kissed my hair and sat on the other end of the couch.  He asked me what I needed.  I responded with, “Silence.”  We sat like that for a few minutes.  He craves silence just as much as I do.  I eventually looked at him and he gently smiled at me.  

 

I moved closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder.  He grabbed my hand, kissed the back of it, and set it back down on my lap.  His hold was tight, but gentle.  He moved this thumb back and forth across my hand.  His lips sweetly met my head.  I snuggled in closer to him and his arms wrapped around me.  He rubbed my back as we sat in continued silence.  

 

I could feel everything retreating back into the darkness.  I know it will never go away completely, but I know Rafael Barba isn’t going away anytime soon either.  


End file.
